1. |
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There's a dirty old man in my bed
Gray and wrinkled, practically dead
He's cooking up these crazy schemes
He's much too old to have these dreams
And he's staying out late into the night
Bringing home spinsters - it's just not right!
How am I supposed to go to sleep?
Why do I have to put up with this creep?
Chorus
How did you get so dirty?
How did you live past thirty?
Dirty dirty dirty old man
Verse 2
There's a dirty old man in my bed
What's going on inside his head?
He must have a messed up chromosome
He must have escaped from an old folk's home
Hey old man, it's time to retire!
Don’t keep setting my bed on fire
How am I supposed to go to sleep?
Why do I have to put up with this creep?
chorus
bridge:
Why can't I see myself in the mirror?
There's only this old guy standing here
He plays my guitar and drinks all my beer
And swings like a monkey from the chandelier
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2. |
GI Jack and GI Jill
03:26
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GI Jack and GI Jill
Two young kids on Pork Chop Hill
They got an old mop and a pail of water
But they can’t wash away the years of slaughter
Trying to make it all squeaky clean
Picking up after the war machine
Jagged scars and prosthetic leg
Cracked up like a disabled egg
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Strung out in an opium den
Three pig’s houses all blown up
Big bad wolf from an innocent pup
chorus:
GI Jack and GI Jill
Two young kids on Pork Chop Hill
GI Jack and GI Jill
Kill and kill and kill and kill
verse2
GI Jack and GI Jill
Two young kids on Pork Chop Hill
They’re trying hard to get ahead
Wind up maimed, wind up dead
Used to be handsome, used to be sweet
The war machine grinds up the meat
Used to be a son, used to be a daughter
Empty shells from the endless slaughter
The troll’s on a roll with his weapons and stuff
Chewing on the bones of Billy Goat Gruff
Fetch a pail, fetch some water
You won’t wash away the mindless slaughter
chorus
Go to war to be a hero
All those dreams amount to zero
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3. |
Duck Billed Platypus
05:41
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You sold your soul and destroyed yourself
But you found it years later on a thrift store shelf
So who was that guy with the horns and a tail?
And why was he so eager to close the sale?
You look like a quack in your tar and feather
You may need some duck tape to keep it together
chorus
And now you’re writing this song using beer as a catalyst
You're just as strange as a duck-billed platypus
Verse 2
People insist that the rat race has a checkered flag
You cruised at your leisure 'cause you found it such a drag
Waving at the grandstands, coasting through the curve
The people were not happy - You got a lot of nerve!
Even the devil, disgruntled, discarded your old soul
You kept your soul and your sanity - You must be on a roll!
chorus
And now you’re writing this song using beer as a catalyst
You're just as strange as a duck-billed platypus
Bridge:
You’re the type of mammal that lives near a keg
A strange sort of mammal that can lay an egg
You’ve got a web foot at the end of your leg,
Venomous ankles and a sister named Peg
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4. |
Mental Disorder
03:16
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Proud boy thugs and proud boy liars
Protect and serve your own desires
You just love fighting crime
You’ve seen Dirty Harry thirty times
chorus:
You don’t give a fuck about law and order
Violent streak with a mental disorder
On the streets and on the border
Homicidal freak with a mental disorder
Pull ‘em over and cuff their wrists
Perfect opportunity to bloody your fists
Pull ‘em over, plant some drugs
Fill that punk with a dozen slugs
Out for blood, on the attack
All your buddies got your back
You are the Law and we must obey
Don’t give a fuck what the law books say
Paid to kick ass – this is the best
The magic words “resisting arrest”
You’re turning off your bodycam
Having no part of this liberal scam
chorus
gtr solo/bridge
Pick a house, bust down the door
Who needs warrants anymore?
Peaceful protest – sitting ducks
You and your crew give zero fucks
You run this town and when you see red
Club to the head and cart off the dead
He didn’t look right so you fixed him good
What are you doing in this neighborhood?
You don’t give a fuck about law and order
Violent streak with a mental disorder
On the streets and on the border
Homicidal freak with a mental disorder
You scored an A+ in ultraviolence
Hush it all up with a code of silence
On the streets and on the border
Homicidal freak with a mental disorder
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5. |
Canned Ham
03:30
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All those mufflers belching smoke
Tied up on this freeway joke
You're not free behind the wheel
You've got the hamster's rotten deal
You're greasy food in styrofoam
All dolled up with bits of chrome
chorus
Road rage psycho turnpike turd
Weaving wacko flipping me the bird
Hauling ass with your mudflaps flapping
You're just a canned ham waiting to happen
Canned ham wonderland!
Heavy metal coffin man!
I see you coming in my rear view mirrors
You've got steam coming out of your ears
Your face smashed up against the glass
Honking your horn and trying to pass
Drooling mouth and eyes are blurry
Why are you in such a fucking hurry?
Playing chicken with an 18 wheeler
You must have a date with your cocaine dealer
Burning rubber in your old Camaro
Waving your gun like a bandelero
63 more payments until you own it
You've got a nose like a powdered donut
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6. |
Brain Dead Cranks
03:00
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What's in the budget? Lots more tanks!
I looked in my pockets and I said No Thanks!
I see my tax dollar going into your banks
It doesn't seem to bother these brain dead cranks
I heard your plan and I said Nope
Studied it under a microscope
This country's fucked! There is no hope!
I'm not your typical brain dead dope
Do you need a job? Just sign your name
We need recruits for the empire game
Well, I'm no coward but I'm breaking ranks
I won't take orders from brain dead cranks
Run like hell!
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7. |
Credit Card of Doom
04:21
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You thought you were safe sitting in your room
But you're going to die from the credit card of doom
You bought some cool shit and you feel just great
But you didn't figure in that crazy interest rate
Your bank account is frozen, your skin's turning blue
You've been evicted, better build an igloo
You don't eat since Tuesday and nobody care
You're looking mighty tasty to that polar bear
Zoom zoom zoom credit card of doom
Boom boom boom credit card of doom
Everyone was smiling when you first got the card
It didn't take long till those faces got hard
Filling up your cart at store after store
Till a big bad iceberg smashed through the door
You find yourself stranded at the North Pole
Santa's not home so you're fishing in a hole
The fish aren't biting in the gathering gloom
You never should have trusted that credit card of doom
Everyone was smiling when you first got the card
It didn't take long till those faces got hard
A mob of bill collectors preparing your tomb
You never should have trusted that credit card of doom
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8. |
Imaginary Friend
02:55
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I hear you screaming at him again
Having a fight with your imaginary friend
He may have been cool when you were ten
But you're too old for an imaginary friend
Imaginary friend, invisible foe
I think your brain is about to blow
Imaginary friend, invisible foe
I think your mind is about to explode!
You lay it on heavy with the verbal abuse
Turning up the burner really cooking his goose
Sticking your boot way up his caboose
Your bald ass cuckoo is shaking it loose
Yelling at the toilet while you're taking a pee
A screaming madman soliloquy
These nice men will take you by the arm
You need a vacation at the funny farm
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9. |
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Bombs are mighty good business, take it from me
I just made a fortune from this atrocity
I know you have children and ex-wives to support
But we need ammunition over at the fort
Empty out your pockets
We need to build more rockets
For apple pie, Jesus and your Mom
Don’t gripe about your hunger
You’re not getting any younger
It’s time for you to worship the Bomb!
Bombs are mighty good business, play the drum and fife
Bombs are very necessary to preserve our way of life
Bombs are mighty good business - just look at this chart!
Why should we waste our money on healthcare, food and art?
Stop your whining and give me your loot
Put it right here in my combat boot
America's finest going off to war
Everybody loves a good parade
And everyone needs a good grenade
Who the hell cares what we're fighting for?
bridge:
It’s bombs that make America great, don’t tell that they’re not
And yes, I worked very hard for this mansion and this yacht
Don’t whine to me that you’re homeless and mention the wars you fought
And anyone who calls me a hypocrite is part of a left-wing plot!
Part of a left-wing plot!
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10. |
You Are Special
05:01
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chorus:
You are a special boy, you are a special girl
And now you are fucking up the entire world world!
You are a selfish bitch You are a selfish dick
And now the entire world is getting sick sick!
verse 1:
Your daddy told you that you were a special girl
Now you think you own the whole damn world
Your mommy told you that you were a special boy
Now you think the world is your personal toy
You've got to have your way all the time
You're so pissed off that murder is a crime
The world is starving while you get fat
Other people's problems are exactly that
chorus
verse 2:
Blind to a world thats in a fix
Doesn't matter to these selfish pricks
Corruption rules our politics
Doesn't matter to these selfish chicks
Blood and garbage fill the roads
Not a croak from these selfish toads
Everyone is special but don’t be a shit
Everyone needs to know when to quit
bridge:
The world needs to build you a sparkling pedestal
The world needs to know that you are incredible
chorus 2:
You were a special child but mother nature has been defiled
You don’t seem to give a lousy fuck
You were a special child while mother nature had been defiled
Until the day when you run out of luck
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11. |
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Thank you!
I wonder why this freak is not wearing a mask
He’s yelling nonsense gibberish no need to ask
Just a marble-headed nutcase crazy as a loon
No telling what else he won’t be wearing soon
Thank you ….. for wearing pants!
I can tell he’s got issues with a single glance
What happens next is a game of chance
Thank you ….. for wearing pants!
He’s a headache for security guards
He’s not dealing with a full deck of cards
He has no need for society’s rules
He flying above this whole ship of fools
Thank you…. for wearing pants!...
Look! Here come some more over there
Sucking pacifiers and clutching teddy bears
They pass around the bottle and taking swigs
They’re not going to be no doctor’s guinea pigs
Thank you ….. for wearing pants!
I like seeing the sights in general
But I don’t need to see your genitals
Thank you … for wearing pants!
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12. |
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13. |
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